This Season of Life

And now for a brief break in photo-heavy posts for some introspection. Amidst all the cute photos and perfect-looking life from afar, the reality is, this season of life is hard. Really hard. We were in a pretty good groove with one kid, chugging away, when the second one comes and it's pretty jarring. We're definitely still in survival mode, making things up as we go. On a daily basis we are dealing with tantrums, screaming, crying, snot, poop, vomit, spit up, whining, and begging. Our house is a constant mess even if I just cleaned it a few hours before. If I'm lucky to get one, a shower consists of me frantically washing as fast as I can while my baby is screaming in her bouncy chair (or me taking my time and loudly singing to drown out the cries). I spend 2 hours each day in the car with an often inconsolable infant to drop off and pick up my toddler from school. My stubborn toddler fights everything I do - changing clothes, brushing his teeth, baths, getting in the car, putting away toys, turning off the tv, eating, etc. I do 2-3 loads of laundry a day and run the dishwasher at least once a day yet clothes and dishes still pile up. My to-do list is miles long, and I'm lucky if I can sit down to eat with two hands most days. Alone time is non-existent. The most continuous sleep I've gotten over the past nearly three months is around 3-4 hours at a time, and many times it is much less. I feel powerless as time flies by at the speed of light. Days meld together. My maternity leave is more than half over and my kids are growing up at warp speed. I'm stuck between wanting to live in the moment and document everything because it will be over before I know it. I feel a constant pressure to "enjoy every moment" because it "goes by so fast" and "you blink and they are grown up". This is nearly enough to drive a person insane. It puts even the most patient person to the test. It puts well developed relationships on ice. Again, it is HARD. And I haven't even tried it yet while working.

But then you hear a drawn out fit of deep belly laughter from the toddler. A squeal of delight. Happy Dances. An ear to ear smile from the infant. A series of coos. You take a deep breath and look deeper than the mess of toys strewn about the floor and the sink overflowing with dirty dishes. You know deep down how lucky you are to have these things. Tears fill your eyes when you look at your (finally) sleeping children. There is not a strong enough word to describe the love you feel for them. Life won't always be this chaotic in future seasons of life. It will be quiet again. Probably too quiet. My heart aches thinking about that quiet.

So I will do my best to grin and bear these times. To put in my all. Even when things feel impossible and exhaustion knows no limits. We only get one shot at this season. I keep chugging along trying to notice the little things and appreciate the every day mundane. I try to see and celebrate the small changes. Exchange knowing glances over the kids heads to my husband, holding back laughter at silly toddler pronunciations and funny baby faces. Watch the developing relationship between my children that makes my heart soar and helps fill a void left behind. A new sibling relationship that is so so beautiful. An experience like no other to view it as a parent. To take in all the good along with the bad.

I am beyond grateful for this season.