The first 2 weeks or so are a complete blur as I was physically and emotionally exhausted with visitors coming in and out. There is no difference between night and day with your schedule, you just sneak in a 30min nap here and there. I remember the bouts of crying, for no apparent reason other than exhaustion and hormone levels crashing. I was still in disbelief that my baby was here already, and that we were parents. And to top it all off, you have to scramble to get in all your paperwork for your maternity leave, which involved doctors signing papers, and lots of phone calls to HR. Plus I had to send out emails to work to transfer my projects on to other people. Hectic and chaotic!
The next month or so I was still physically recovering - definitely still sore and extended periods of walking or sitting were uncomfortable. Emotionally I felt much better - I didn't have to think about work anymore and my leave was filed and taken care of. I was still in a daze of exhaustion from not sleeping (still feeding every 2hrs around the clock) and starting to feel like I'd never get a decent stretch of sleep again! The bonding with baby really started taking shape during this time as there were many late nights with just the 2 of us with lots of rocking, cuddling, and kisses. Joe went back to work at this point and my mom came for the first week or 2 after that to help me cope with taking care of baby and running our house.
After 6 weeks, things started getting a bit easier. I felt physically healed and got the OK from my doctor to resume all normal activities. We started getting out a bit more and walking/hiking, which made me feel good. I started being more social meeting friends out during the day and taking Nolan on lots of errands and storytime at the library. We started taking road trips to visit friends and family. I was still tired, but Nolan had figured out day/night by this point and getting longer (3-4hrs) stretches of sleep at night.
The past 2 weeks I'm back to feeling myself again. Nolan is consistently giving us 7-8hrs stretches of sleep at night, and falling into a more predictable nap schedule during the day. I feel confident taking him places that he won't have a melt-down, and if he gets fussy I can calm him down. Breastfeeding is second nature to us, and I really enjoy it and the bond it brings. My head isn't so cloudy, and I can just stop and appreciate this little miracle of a boy that we now have in our lives. When I cry, it is tears of love and thankfulness.
I finally feel ready to gain back the part of my life that has been on hold since April 3rd. I'm ready to use that part of my brain that is gaining dust. I worry a lot about attaining that ever elusive work/life balance that so many working moms struggle with, but I'm ready to give it my best shot. I enjoy my job, and it makes me feel useful and fulfilled. I've gone through so much training and worked so hard to get to where I am in my career, and there's no way I'd walk away from that at this stage in my life. I know I'm going to miss Nolan so much, especially in the beginning. I think the longest I've been away from him at this point is maybe an hour or two, so tomorrow will be a big change. But I do really think working will be the best thing for both me and him. I've definitely felt isolated at home. Those infrequent times I've been away from Nolan have made me appreciate him so much more and be fully there for him when we reunite. It will make me a better mom who is 100% with him when we're together - in my book that is better than only giving 50% (or less) for a longer period of time during the day. I look forward to seeing him develop his social skills in daycare as well as start learning at such an early age. In the end I think this will be valuable to him as he readies to start school equipped with these important skills and knowledge. We'll also be living very comfortable, being able to treat ourselves to things as a family as well as provide savings for Nolan's future.
There are so many positives, it makes so much sense. It's just the emotional act of leaving him every day (much harder for me at this stage, no doubt) that will be hard, and possibly wearing. But, as in every hard period of my life that I have endured, I will just slow down, take a deep breath, and focus on 1 day at a time. Nothing is permanent, and if we need a change, we'll change!
So with that insight, I'd just like to make a list of maternity leave memories (in no particular order):
- The feeling of Nolan sleeping against my chest and hearing his little sleeping noises and sighs.
- His little hand gripping my shirt or sometimes my finger while breastfeeding
- Watching him bat away, kick like crazy, and adorable squeals of delight while playing in his gym in the morning while I pumped
- Seeing him smile for the first time - brought tears to my eyes
- Our daily errands together whether it be to the grocery store, mall, post office, library, etc - I loved having my little sidekick. He'd always attract comments and aww's from onlookers, which was fun
- Watching Dean's relationship with Nolan develop. He'll lay down near Nolan when he's on the floor, and play with his toy when Nolan's playing in his gym. I can't wait to see their relationship grow as Nolan becomes more interactive
- Being able to notice new skills that Nolan developed with each day - holding his head steady and turning it from side to side, him suddenly noticing items around the house that have always been there, but that he couldn't see before.
- Watching Game of Thrones, Mad Men, and Parks & Rec with Joe while Nolan slept.
- Giving Nolan baths and brushing his hair with a part afterwards.
- Grabbing Nolan when he woke up at 6-7am and snuggling with him in bed for another couple of hours.
- Friday night Nolan "dance parties" with Joe
- Singing lots of songs together, and making up lyrics to include Nolan names/nicknames
- Reading books and watching Nolan go from sleeping, to not paying attention, to now batting the pages and looking at the pictures
I'm sure there are many, many more, but the point is, I tried to soak it all up. He'll only be a little baby once, and I want to remember and enjoy it all.
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